The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just pee around me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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