I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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