I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
