I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
