The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
