There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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