Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
