I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
