fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
