just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it glows. i had to have it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
