I heard we made out
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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