I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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