the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
