do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
