Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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