My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
