Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
