when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
