really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
my god I love twenty year old dicks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
