God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
