I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
