After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
