i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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