Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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