no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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