just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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