be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
