So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
