As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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