i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
