I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
