Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
