apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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