she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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