I just threw up on my dentist
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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