I just pynch a tree in the face
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
