You made me cry and you don't even care
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
