Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
