im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
