i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
