if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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