I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
