im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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