i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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