No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
