True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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