I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I need to stop coming to work sober
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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