you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
