No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
