READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i came on her dog
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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